3 Steps to Cultivate Self-Compassion

As Valentine’s Day rolls around and we celebrate the love we have for others, why not show ourselves some kindness and care as well? Or at least some self-compassion.

Self-compassion means being supportive towards yourself in the face of failure or suffering. Sometimes, self-compassion is confused with self-esteem (defined as how much we like ourselves), but the two are quite different.

Why bother showing ourselves some kindness? Because it turns out that self-compassion is associated with positive psychological well-being and stress reduction. Researchers have found that self-compassion improves clinical outcomes and functioning for individuals with a range of problems, including diabetes or chronic pain.

While many people are now working hard to learn more about this construct, psychologist Dr. Kristen Neff (2023), a pioneer in the topic has written extensively on it. Below are three elements of self-compassion according to Dr. Neff, and some ways to tap into them:

1. Self-kindness versus self-judgment

When our friends or loved ones experience challenging times, we tend to be kind and supportive in response. However, when we ourselves experience suffering, we are quicker to judge or blame ourselves. Self-kindness means finding within ourselves the same emotional warmth we naturally extend to others.
Ways to tap into self-kindness:

• Talk back to negative self-talk – Ask yourself “Is this a kind way to speak to myself? What would I tell a friend who said these things about themselves?”
• Write a letter to yourself – Take the stance of an unconditionally loving friend. Reflect on the acceptance this friend has for you, acceptance of your strengths and weaknesses. What would your friend say to you about your flaws?

2. Common humanity versus isolation

When things don’t go our way or we experience suffering, we might react from an emotional place that inadvertently distorts reality. We tend to believe that everyone else is having an easier time or that we have inflicted this suffering on ourselves. Thinking this way can result in feeling less connected to others (and, as we’ve written elsewhere, connection matters). Self-compassion allows us to see that challenges and suffering are part of the human experience. We are not perfect beings. Nobody is perfect.
Connect to humanity to create compassion:

• Create a go-to compassionate coping mantra for when things get tough – “Suffering is a part of the human experience. I will work to accept my current situation and know that not everything is within my control.”
• Journal – write about how this experience connects you to the larger human experience. Consider that being human means being imperfect and identify which elements of a given painful event or experience might have been out of your control.

3. Mindfulness versus overidentification

Finding compassion requires an acknowledgment of pain, mindfully. When we interact with painful experiences mindfully, we recognize negative thoughts and feelings as just that – thoughts and feelings. From a state of mindfulness, we can look at the pain, rather than look out from within it. This helps us avoid getting totally caught up in the negative thoughts or difficult emotions.
Tune into mindfulness:

• Practice mindful breathing to bring yourself back to the present moment.
• Make a gratitude jar to bring awareness of the positives into tougher times –  notice the positives and write them down on slips of paper. Place them in a jar. When you find yourself overidentifying with negative thoughts or difficult emotions, pull out some pieces of paper from the jar to borrow from yourself at a different moment in time.

Cultivating self-compassion is a practice, not a perfect. Valentine’s season is as good a time as any to give it a try.

Self-compassion resources

For additional resources, check out:

• Self-compassion meditations by Dr. Neff
• Self-compassion meditation by Chris Gremer
• RAIN: A Practice of Radical Compassion
• The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook
• The Self-Compassion Workbook for Teens
• Self-Compassion Guided Practices and Exercises

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