I just learned a new word: phubbing. A combination of “phone” and “snubbing,” phubbing is the practice of ignoring who you are with in favor of paying attention to your smartphone (or wearable…or tablet…or…). Though new to me, the term was introduced over a decade ago. And of course, in concept, phubbing is not new to me at all.
With the perpetual and strong pull of technology, many of us struggle to be IRL (in real life) in real time. Today alone, I checked email during a work meeting, scrolled on Instagram while riding the train, played a game while on a phone call with one friend, and kept checking my screen for texts while sitting with another.
Research shows that we are not nearly as adept at multi-tasking as we imagine and that if attention is being paid to the screen, then focus is being subtracted elsewhere. More time spent lurking or participating on social media, specifically intended to help us connect, is associated with feeling less good about ourselves – lonelier, with poorer body image, and more preoccupied with ways in which we feel we do not measure up. Time spent on our phones in general is associated with higher stress and anxiety, sleep disruptions, and even accidents while walking!
Then there is the effect of the phubbing on the “phubbee.” How do I feel when I sit at dinner with a friend who is constantly reaching for their phone? What is it like to sit in a room with a partner, parent, or child who is staring at their screen while I try to engage them in conversation? Not great.
As I find myself wishing to eradicate phubbing from my personal repertoire, I am wondering how to apply some of what I know about habits and behavior change to lay down new patterns. I want to use my phone less, especially in moments when there is an interaction to be had in real life, and I know that to do so, I will need to use the very same principles I coach others in as a behaviorally oriented psychologist.
1. Create competing responses. Competing response training is essential in interventions targeting highly reflexive, fairly automatic behaviors (AKA habits). For example, it’s a core component in habit reversal training, a well-tested treatment for tic disorders and body-focused repetitive behaviors like skin picking and hair pulling. A competing response is a motoric behavior that interferes with the ability to carry out the targeted behavior, which here would be picking up my phone.
To begin to curb my phone use – or at least develop more awareness of that very first moment when I have an urge to reach for technology – I am going to try things like holding a pen in my hand throughout a work meeting or a fork in my hand throughout a meal. If I’m using my hands for something other than my phone, it becomes that much more effortful to reach for it.
2. Make small changes to my environment. This principle is known in behavioral psychology circles as stimulus control. Our habits are typically performed in the presence of specific cues or circumstances, meaning that they are under the control of the stimulus. By this theory, if I behave one way in the presence of the stimulus, I might behave a different way in its absence.
So how can I change my environment to create intentionality with my phone use? Well, I might place my phone far away from me so that it is literally ‘less present’ when I reach for it or at home, experiment with one of those technology lockboxes. But I can also change the ‘micro’ environment of my actual phone by silencing the ringer, limiting notifications, or moving social media apps off my home screen. I can also remove all color from the screen – changing the appearance to grayscale – to play a trick on my brain, which is drawn to color. This may reduce some of the positive reinforcement of I experience when using the phone.
3. Track rewards. If my phubbing behavior is as reflexive as I think, change is going to be hard and slow. As I try some of the experiments outlined above, I will need to pay attention not only to what is effective, but also – and perhaps more so – to the benefits I experience because of my efforts. I hope to find myself less distracted. I hope that I feel more present during interactions, and that, depending on the specific circumstance, this helps me to be more patient, learn more, or feel more connected. I hope to improve my memory of conversations.
I know from my work that small changes made using these strategies could have a big impact. There will assuredly be ups and downs to my progress along the way – they call them habits for a reason – but if I can meet the backslides with curiosity and self-compassion, I am confident that I can do this.
Perhaps you, dear reader, have already overcome the habit of phubbing. If so, then I challenge you to consider how these three principles of behavior change might apply to whatever it is you seek to alter in the months to come.
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